father's day.
Tomorrow is Father's Day here in my country.
Mom wanted to go to the graveyard to pay for the lights (here we have a weird cult of the dead: we pay for lights and flowers to be put on our loved ones' graves on special occasions like Christmas, birthdays, New Years, Mother's Day and Father's Day, etc...) for daddy, but unfortunately she couldn't. She can't shut up about it because she feels guilty.
I told her that dad won't be offended because he's, well, dead, but she still thinks is the right thing to do, to put the lights on dad's graveyard I think.
Tbh I don't know how to feel about this. We really have a weird cult of the dead to the point that we care more about them than the people who are alive and breathing around us, and that makes me feel uneasy and creeped out, but at the same time it's weirdly comforting, to think that your dad might get offended if you don't put the lights on his grave on Father's Day. It means that somehow, he's still alive somewhere and not just in your heart, I suppose.
I wish it was like that, I wish that he was still alive, I'd gladly swap his life with mine because his life was way more worthy of living than mine is.
I mean, who's going to miss me when I'm dead if I'm isolated from the entire world? Daddy didn't want me to live like this and one of my biggest regrets is that he can't see the little steps I'm (slowly) doing towards the goal of having a semi-normal life.
So yeah, it makes me feel better, you know, the idea he's still watching over me. I'd love to let him know that I still love him the most.